Why Your Candidate Sucks…

election-sucks

This has been an incredibly serious and volatile election season. But with election so close, we at The Modern Socialist thought we would borrow an idea from the folks over at Deadspin to inject a few tricks and treats into your otherwise banal election news feed.

Sure, vote shaming is bad. You can and should be voting for whoever you feel best represents your voice in the election. But that doesn’t mean that candidate shaming is off the table. ; )

Now, I’ve had some issues talking politics as of late. People ask me who I am voting for, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is Deez Nuts. Deez Nuts won’t let you down. No one works harder than Deez Nuts. But sadly, many people thinking about voting aren’t thinking of Deez Nuts. Since polling at about 8-9 percent in early primaries, Deez Nuts seems to be tucked away, lying in wait for a glorious moment to be slapped onto general election ballots.  Unfortunately for us, that may not happen.

It’s a shame, but Deez Nuts hasn’t been all over the country. Only three states have had the chance to really get to know Deez Nuts (Iowa, Minnesota, and North Carolina). And unfortunately, if you’re thinking of Deez Nuts this November, you will have to put Deez Nuts in yourself.

I know what you’re thinking: “Sean, what’s so great about Deez Nuts?” Well, maybe it’s not about Deez Nuts at all. Maybe it’s just because the other candidates are so bad, that you really need to give Deez Nuts some serious consideration. Let’s take a look at the top candidates, why you may be thinking about voting for them, and why you shouldn’t.

Hillary Clinton: Let’s start the party with heavy favorite Hillary Clinton. Sure, HilDog is the most experienced candidate in the race: a former Senator, Secretary of State, and First Lady. But since when does being the most qualified get you the job? This is 2016, and it’s not what you know but who you know. Anyone that has applied for a job recently knows this. And I’m pretty sure that HilDog is still on the current boss’s shit list after some troubling comments in 2008, so she probably can’t ask for any favors. I mean come on, why else would he make her his secretary?!

Ok, so maybe now you’re saying “Well Sean, I voted for Hillary in the 2008 primary too!” Oh, so you were too racist back in 2008 to vote for a black guy, but now you’re not a racist because you’re voting against Trump? Typical. Sounds like you might be the type that says things behind closed doors that you might not admit to saying if called out on. Hmm, now why does that sound familiar?

And let’s be serious, much of the same political hand-wringing going on about Trump’s tax returns were issues for Hillary back in 2008. And they aren’t real issues. How many of you can actually say you read over your own tax returns before digitally signing them on TurboTax, let alone read over the Presidential candidate’s? I call bullshit.

Or here’s my favorite: “Sean, I just want to cast a vote for the first female Presidential candidate in a general election!” Well then, why didn’t you vote for Jill Stein in 2012? Don’t answer, we’ll get there in due time.

Donald Trump: Come on. If you’re reading this, you’re not voting for Trump. This one’s too easy. Pass.

Evan McMullin: Like most people, you probably learned Evan McMullin is running for president when reading this satire article. McMullin, a pro-life, anti-gay marriage #NeverTrump conservative, is really only for passive bigots. Are you racist but don’t want your friends to know? McMullin is your man. Do you not want gays to marry but don’t really know any so it isn’t a big deal? Boom, Evan McMullin. Are you working in the Republican Party but want job security? Vote McMullin. Did you vote for Mitt Romney because he, like you, is a member of the Church of Latter-day Saints? Well then you and your wives should vote for Evan McMullin.

But seriously, don’t vote for Evan McMullin. He looks like the guy from Hitman, and as badass as that would be, I think an Assassin’s Creed President would be way better.

Gary Johnson: If you want to vote for Gary Johnson, odds are you just a Republican that smokes weed. And, hey that’s cool. And it’s cool that Gary Johnson likes to smoke weed (if you know what Cheeba Chews are, you probably smoke too) and hang out with Joe Rogan (who most definitely smokes weed). But let’s do everyone a favor and stop calling his gaffes “Aleppo moments” and start calling them “stoner moments”.

And frankly, while he may want your vote, he doesn’t want too many votes. When a Presidential candidate hits 5% in a general election, they qualify for funding from the Federal Elections Commission; a group that the Libertarian Party insists on dissolving. So if Gary Johnson is sincere about his platform he will either give the money back, or shoot for 4% of the vote. Do the Libertarians a favor and don’t vote for him.

And now you’ve looked at some of the Libertarian platforms, you will notice how much the government they want to dismantle. Not gonna lie, that’s pretty punk rock and I like it. It’s damn near anarchism. I listened to Pennywise a lot in high school too, trust me I understand. But you know what’s even more punk rock than voting Libertarian? Not voting. This November, consider a vote for Gary Johnson a vote against everything he stands for.

Jill Stein: Ah, Dr. Jill Stein. The Coke Zero to Bernie Sanders’ regular Coke. She has none the flavor of the Bernie Sanders you love, plus a bunch of shit that will probably make you sick. I get it, you want to vote for “the only progressive candidate left in the race”, so much so that you are willing to cast aside all of the things that you would normally expect a Presidential candidate to have. Political experience? Nope. A solid understanding of foreign policy? Not needed. No criminal record? Nope, she’s spray painted on a bulldozer. If you want a President that spray paints stuff, why not just vote for Banksy? Oh that’s right, no one knows who he is.

Sure, saying that Jill Stein doesn’t have a solid understanding of foreign policy may be a bit of a blanket statement, but considering she’s never held a public office outside the Lexington Town Meeting, it’s safe to say that she has about as much experience in foreign policy that you would expect a medical doctor to have. It sure would be nice to close all of the U.S.’s foreign military bases, until you start thinking about the hundreds of thousands of jobs she would be cutting in the process. What kind of Socialist wants to cut hundreds of thousands of state jobs?

This proposed action, of course, also ignores the fact that Russia now has a missile capable of destroying Texas and the islands China is building in the South Pacific. Look, no one likes Texas. It’s like having a racist uncle that gets you really kick ass birthday presents. You may not like what he has to say, but that BB gun you got last year is totally kick ass. Stop frontin’. Texas has got money and America loves it for that reason. And though the idea of building new islands in the South Pacific may have you thinking of a new vacation spot shaped like the world, trust me, a vacation here would be less than fun than even Dubai. I mean, who wants to vacation in the desert? CTFO.

Jill Stein is the candidate most likely to hand out participation trophies to all the kids, so let’s give her a trophy for participating and move on.

Bernie Sanders: Bernie Sanders has become a heartthrob. He has all the liberal millennial girls swooning, and with this handsome visage, it’s not hard to tell why. But look, Bernie Sanders has said over and over that he doesn’t want you to vote for him in the general election. Voting for Bernie Sanders in the general election is like buying me a firetruck after me saying I don’t want you to buy me a firetruck.

I get it. Firetruck’s are bad ass. They’re a bitchin’ shade of red, everyone loves them, they could totally be pimped out and turned into a sweet tailgate mobile, and there are some available that are really reasonably priced. But that’s selfish and short-sighted. Where would I park a firetruck? Do you know how much diesel is going for these days? Not to mention the money it would cost to turn that bad bitch that into the tight XZIBIT’s Pimp My Ride-style festival wagon we all know it really should be. And yes, while we can start a Kickstarter page to pay for it, what are the odds that we will raise enough money to get it retrofitted with disco balls, gas grills, strobe lights, and a dozen 15’s by next festival season? Slim to none. A firetruck would be really awesome to have, but it’s just not in the cards right now.

So now we’ve looked at all the candidates, and there really isn’t one viable option. What are we as Americans left to do when election day rolls around? I’ll tell you: remember Deez Nuts.

Deez Nuts loves freedom. Deez Nuts represents a strong America. We need to get people thinking about Deez Nuts, because Deez Nuts is our best choice. When you walk into the voting booth this November, be sure to pull Deez Nuts out of your bag of parlor tricks, because America, the joke is already on us.

Sean McGill @seanmcthrill

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